


you gave it all (and gained nothing)

by DesertLily



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Brotherly Affection, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, Jason Todd-centric, Nonbinary Jason Todd, batburger, identity crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25499341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesertLily/pseuds/DesertLily
Summary: Jason Todd had struggled with defining who they were since they were resurrected. They had never quite worked out who they were anymore. Luckily, there will always be people willing to remind them.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Roy Harper/Jason Todd (Background)
Kudos: 62
Collections: The GUG Cinematic Universe





	1. BatBurger on a rooftop

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from a poem about Jason written by my extremely talented friend, Li! The fic is based on this post ( https://growingupgotham.tumblr.com/post/621411111219101696/for-the-headcanon-thing-you-still-have-emotional ) but can be read without context!

Jason Todd was not okay. They had known that since the day they came back. No one came back from being brutally murdered fine and happy and content! Nobody shrugged that off as if it were nothing - not even Jason fucking Todd. But rather than confront their emotions head on, they found outlets for it; ways that they could simply...ignore them and not confront them directly. First they had become Red Hood, letting out all of their rage in an attempt to ‘clean up Gotham’. That was the excuse they told themself. They weren’t dealing with trauma. They were doing what was right. Then came tumblr. A silly almost mindless blog about the craziness of Gotham. It was a way for them to laugh and be silly. That was the excuse they told themself. They weren’t using it to ignore their trauma. It worked for a while too. All of it worked like perfectly oiled cogs in a clock. 

Things _should_ have been going great for them. They were dating Roy. They had a dysfunctionally functioning family. They had friends. They even had pets! Yet...it didn’t feel right. The bad thoughts began to grow louder and louder; becoming accusations in their mind. Were they really the Jason who died or just an imposter wearing the second Robin’s face? Was this all someone else’s life that they had just hijacked? Was any of this even real to begin with? It didn’t feel _right_ that things could go okay for them! They were Jason fucking Todd! Things never went well for them! That was just how life worked! They just thought they had gotten better at hiding it. 

But of course Essence had noticed. The first not-quite-friend they had made after their resurrection. They had known she was going to cause some sort of trouble or commotion the second they found out she was back in Gotham. Jason just wasn’t quite expecting...this. They weren’t expecting her to neatly display all of their vulnerabilities with the same nonchalance as a shopping list. What was worse was that Jason wasn’t entirely sure if it was out of concern for their wellbeing or her attempt at mocking them. Either way, it had left them with a sinking feeling in their stomach. They felt more vulnerable than they had in years. People weren’t supposed to know how much Jason doubted themself; how much they doubted if they were even Jason Todd at all. They were supposed to be seen as snarky and fun! Not this. Never this. But it was as if Essence had ripped out their insecurities and put them in a glass case; free for everyone to see!

So Jason had done the only logical thing; they bolted. They grabbed their gear and simply...left. They had no idea where they were going or for how long but they couldn’t be in their apartment right now. They couldn’t be around Roy or their pets or even Pam and Harley! It didn’t feel right; not when they felt like an imposter wearing Jason’s face. They had barely been gone when the texts came from Tim, their little brother - _Jason_ ’s little brother. Nothing extraordinary about the messages - just asking permission to stay in Jason’s old room. They’d agreed with one condition; _everything from before Ethiopia had to remain untouched._ Everything belonging to the original Jason Todd needed to be left alone; preserved as a memory of the child that had died. All Jason really knew was that they weren’t that child. They had stopped being that child when their mom betrayed them. They had stopped being that child the second they felt the Joker’s crowbar shatter their ribs. They had stopped being that child when Bruce was just a few seconds too late. 

God knows how the hell they had been brought back but the memory of digging themself out of their own grave was still one of the many that circulated in their head to form Jason’s nightmares. Too much happened after that. Talia. The Lazarus Pit. _Ducra_. Coming back to Gotham. Forming the first Outlaws team. Forming the second Outlaws team. Making a tumblr account and positively thriving in the aftermath. Though, Jason wasn’t known for their positivity. It was fleeting moments of happiness that they clung onto; every ask, like, follow, and reblog warmed their cold undead heart. It caused an artificial happiness; a small drop of serotonin that was gone just as soon as it had arrived. But it kept things manageable; it kept Jason functional. It made it easier for them to brush off the anxiety attacks; the way their chest tightened and burnt as each breath grew harder and harder. It gave them an excuse to suppress their problems; they needed to be happy. They needed to focus on producing content that would make people smile or laugh. Jason had a ‘brand’ now and it was their one defence against an overwhelming waterfall of trauma. Besides, wasn’t it a Wayne family trait to just be terrible at expressing emotion?

They hadn’t left their apartment with a destination in mind - just an instinct to get away. Jason had practically switched off and moved out of pure instinct. When they finally stopped, a bittersweet smile formed on Jason’s face. They were standing on a rooftop. But it wasn’t the building itself that mattered - it was the building directly across from it. BatBurger. More specifically; the same BatBurger that Batman took Jason to after they had been caught boosting the tires off of the Batmobile. It was a reminder of the day that had changed their life. Their first step to becoming Robin. Their first step towards dying. Well, it had _actually_ been the day that changed Jason Todd’s life; a life they couldn’t quite claim as their own - not entirely. They felt like a wolf in sheep’s clothing; something fused with pure rage from the Lazarus pit then given Jason Todd’s face to wear - given their life to live. But they found something oddly grounding about the BatBurger. They could remember their memories there so vividly. They felt too real to belong to anyone else. Jason didn’t cross the street and head inside. How could they? They were in their full Red Hood gear - helmet included. They’d scare the shit of anyone that saw them walk inside. It also didn’t help that they didn’t have any cash on them and they were _not_ using a ‘bat credit card’ again. Not when it would lead someone all the way back to them. Instead, they simply sat on the edge of the rooftop and stared down at the restaurant that had changed their life.

Jason wasn’t sure how long they sat there, lost in their own thoughts. But they were snapped out of them by the feeling of something being thrown into their lap. Blinking a few times as they snapped back to reality, they glanced down to see a perfectly wrapped burger. “You worried the fuck out of everyone, Jay.” They didn’t have to glance back to know who the voice belonged to. Nightwing. Dick. _Jason’s brother_. “No one could find you and you sure as hell haven’t been answering your phone.” They hadn’t even considered checking their phone or the inevitable onslaught of texts and missed calls on it. They had simply...lost themself to the thoughts of Jason Todd’s past. Jason barely glanced over as Dick moved to sit down next to them. “I got you a drink too. Red Hood cherryade!”

They couldn’t help but groan as they unwrapped their burger. “Do you know what the worst part of that drink is, Dickhead? The fact they advertise it as ‘vigilante approved’! _I never consented to this hell drink_ . It doesn’t taste of cherryade! It tastes of disappointment!” They relaxed slightly as they watched Jason’s brother laugh. Maybe if they kept deflecting the conversation then Dick would forget to question them on what had happened. It wasn’t likely but they could dream, right? They smiled slightly as they took a bite from their burger. “God...I’d forgotten how unbelievably greasy these were.” Because that was the best thing about BatBurger. It tasted cheap and greasy _but in the best way_. It was familiar.

“Is that even possible?” Dick laughed again as he took a bite from his own burger. But then his full attention turned to Jason. “...Why’d you run off like that, little wing?” Fuck. “It’s been _hours_. No one knew where you were and you weren’t answering your phone and -” He took a deep breath. “What if something had happened? What if something happened and none of us knew where you were?”

Fuck. This was not how this conversation was supposed to go. _Nothing about this conversation was supposed to happen_. Not one piece of it. No one was supposed to notice they were gone. No one was supposed to find them like that. “I just...I needed some space, alright? I needed to get away from everything and just...think.” They couldn’t tell Dick the real reason they had run off. They couldn’t look him in the eyes and tell him they didn’t think they were his brother. “Here...Here was a good place to do that.”

“There are many things I would call sitting on the roof across from BatBurger but a thinking place is not one of them.” Dick commented, moving to wrap an arm around who he thought was his brother. 

They were quiet for a moment. “...It was where Batman took Jason Tod the night he found them. The first good meal they’d had in months too…”

He furrowed his eyebrows. “...Why are you talking about yourself like that?”

“Because I don’t know if I am Jason Todd.” The words slipped from their lips before they could stop them. “I-I don’t know if I’m just some imposter living their life and wearing their face. I don’t know who or what I am. I feel like a liar. A mockery of someone long dead…”

“Jaybird…” Before they could stop it, Dick moved his arm away from their shoulders and instead pulled them into a hug. “You are Jason Peter Todd. You’re an absolute asshole half the time. You’re stubborn and a theatre nerdy and can quote most Shakespeare plays from memory. You _are_ my little brother - ‘imposter’ or not. You are alive. You are part of my family and I wouldn’t trade you for anything.”

They didn’t say anything as they returned the hug. There was nothing to say. But Dick’s words cut deep. No matter what, he somehow considered them family. Maybe...Maybe they could pretend to be Jason Todd for a little while longer. 


	2. Tea In The Library

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jason has a crisis part 2: electric boogaloo

They made it a rule to never tell anyone the full extent of their identity crisis. They never told anyone that sometimes it felt as if something was crawling beneath their skin; a sense of _wrongness_ in regards to their existence. Sometimes there was still the pit madness at the back of their head, whispering for them to become something else; something dangerous. Maybe that’s what they really were. A weapon disguised as Jason Todd. They may have suppressed it for now but it still lingered. The Lazarus pit still held some grip on their mind; it still warped their memories and molded their entire existence. 

Some days they would close their eyes and green would consume their vision; the pit would demand control once more. But they never gave up control. Jason Todd wouldn’t want to go back into loving a life of rage so neither did they. They lived their life by what they expected Jason Todd to want or do. Sometimes, they even considered themself Jason. But it wasn’t a consistent thing. They were never entirely sure. There were too many questions. Too many unknowns. If they were _really_ Jason Todd then how were they alive? How had they been risen from the dead? How did they simply...exist?   
  
This was one of the days when their uncertainty was at its highest - only made worse by the fact they were stuck at the manor. Though, that part really was their own fault. They had been careless on a mission; reckless enough to break their arm and get themself knocked out for a few days. Bruce had overreacted to it, leaving Jason stuck at the manor until their arm was at least healed enough to take the cast off. Though, they didn’t mind being there nearly as much as they pretended to be. There was something...nice about being around Jason’s family. Sometimes, they even managed to fool themself into thinking the family was their own. Sometimes, it felt as if they really did fit in - that they weren’t just a jigsaw piece that didn’t quite fit into the Wayne family puzzle.   
  
Feeling the furthest thing possible from Jason Todd, they needed to be by themself. They needed somewhere to hide away. One of the things they were _certain_ they shared in common with Jason was a love of reading. There was a sense of satisfaction that came with reading. It gave them access to hundreds upon hundreds of different worlds; worlds where they were passive. They didn’t have to fit in or be someone. Instead, they could simply indulge in the lives of others; characters that went on adventures to far off places or emotional journeys or just...characters that weren’t trying to live the life of Jason Todd. There was one down side in going to the library. They would have to go past Jason’s old room before they got there. The room they hadn’t set foot in since before Jason died and they had no intentions of setting foot in ever again. So they closed their eyes as they walked past, desperately ignoring the heaviness that filled their chest as they did. But once they entered the library, it didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered outside of finding a book and escaping from the life of Jason Todd. 

The book they settled on was The Hobbit. It was short, simple, and - most importantly - familiar. It was a book they had read enough times that they didn’t have to think about whilst reading it. Not entirely. They could just switch off from the world around them and lose themself in Middle Earth for a little while. And it worked! It really did! They were at the beginning of the Battle of Five Armies when they were forced to focus back on reality. The library door had creaked open slightly as Bruce walked inside, carrying two cups of tea as he did. “Hello, Jay.” They sighed, dog earring their page in the book. “I made tea.”   
  
It wasn’t that they didn’t like Bruce. In fact, it was the exact opposite. Bruce was great! He was the closest thing they had ever had to a dad. Willis Todd didn’t count. Not even remotely. He had never understood how to care about his kid or even pretend to love them for so much as a moment. But Bruce? Bruce always made sure Jason felt loved and wanted - even after they had come back from the dead. Bruce always made sure they knew they had a home. “...Hey, B.” They found themself offering a small smile - a smile they hoped would be enough to convey that they were fine.   
  
One glance at Bruce’s face would be enough to deduce that he didn’t believe them for a second. Neither spoke as Bruce handed them one of the mugs of tea. Neither really needed to. Their relationship was still healing after Jason’s _many_ attempts at attacking or hurting multiple members of the family. It wasn’t exactly the warm welcome any of them had expected upon their resurrection. There was still a remaining tension there. But they were working on it. Slowly. One of those ways had actually been just...attempting to talk and spend more time around each other. But the look on Bruce’s face assured them that this wasn’t going to be one of their more lighthearted conversations. “I was talking to Dick earlier.” Oh fuck. Oh fuckety fuck fuck. This better _not_ have been about what they thought it was. “He’s been...concerned about you for awhile.”   
  
They tensed up at that - like prey cornered by a predator. They had no way of explaining this away. There was no easy answer they could give to stop Bruce worrying. Not with something like this. Instead, they went with the worst response possible. They just looked away. “...I have no idea what you’re talking about.”   
  
“Jaylad…” The nickname left an uneasy feeling in their stomach. It still didn’t feel like it quite belonged to them. It was the nickname Jason Todd had been given when they were alive. It was the nickname of Bruce Wayne’s second son. It was a nickname they still weren’t entirely sure they had any right to. “I...I’ve got no clue what you’re going through but…” They watched as he took a deep breath, clearly struggling with the best way to word things. “But I will always be here for you. You are my son. Whatever is weighing down on you, I will always be here to help you carry it. “   
  
“But I’m not your son! “The words exploded from their lips. “I...I am not Jason Todd! I’m whatever the fuck has been left in their body! I’m whatever is left over after Jason Todd was brought back to life and thrown into the Lazarus pit!” They tried to ignore the way their voice cracked and broke. “I’m not who you think I am, Bruce! I’m not Jason Todd. I’m not your son…”   
  
“Hm.” Coming from Bruce, the sound could mean one hundred and one different things. Sometimes, it was a sound of amusement. Other times, it was disappointing. But this time? This time it was concern. “...You’re right. You are not Jason Todd.” Their shoulders slumped slightly. At least they weren’t the only one who saw it. “You are Jason Peter _Wayne_ and you will always be my son. I will always love you unconditionally. Whoever is telling you otherwise - even if it’s a voice in your head - is so, so wrong.” Bruce’s voice held a sincerness they hadn’t been expecting. “It is an honour to be able to call you a part of my family.” He paused for a few moments. “...I don’t know how you came back and I don’t expect you to just tell me, but just know that I’m so, so happy that you’re here. Having you here right now is the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. I love you, Jason, and I am so proud to be able to say you’re my son.”   
  
They didn’t know how the hell to respond to that. Instead they simply sat frozen for a few moments, fully taking in the weight of Bruce’s words. “...Fuck.” It wasn’t an elegant response by any means but it was the only thing they could think of. It was the only word that really fit. There was a weight to the words that they hadn’t expected. But it wasn’t a suffocating weight holding them down. It was a comforting weight; like a blanket wrapped around them and keeping them safe. “Hey, B?” Their voice wavered. “...What’s your stance on hugs right now?” They knew physical affection wasn’t always something Bruce was great with - especially when it came unprompted. They knew there was a high chance he would say no, but they _needed_ something solid; something to keep them grounded.   
  
Rather than say anything, Bruce just hugged them tightly. Jason Todd fell apart entirely in the arms of their father, feeling a little more certain than they had before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love it? Hate it? Comments are always appreciated or hmu @ desert-lily / growingupgotham on tumblr!

**Author's Note:**

> Love it? Hate it? Comments are always appreciated or hmu @ desert-lily / growingupgotham on tumblr!


End file.
